On the way down the stair, while carrying down the equipment to the car in the film set of Local suicide’s Music Video, I apologised for the dramatic takeover of the day to Dina, the artist of the song. While a tear not caused by the heavyweight of the equipment ran over my cheek I told her the reason why it went like it went, she answered “I don’t think you ever leave a man who you truly love...”.
During that week on Tuesday I went to buy Mexican groceries and Mezcal at the specialized store at the other end of the city. I was fantasizing about getting back to the familiar cooking memories I decided to leave some months before. This same week on Wednesday evening, I was editing a DJ set for my friend Diego that I had filmed some months before with cool smog machine and colorful lightning, purple, green, blue, the result was being electric and exciting, I decide to take a break from editing and headed to the kitchen to cook some veggies for whatever I could put them together with, while the spatula guided the pase of the veggie’s movement, my then sublet roommate with whom I was sharing some giggles with, decided to come from behind to grab me and push my hips over his to kiss my neck, throwing his tongue all over my neck, he laughed while telling me “ you´re such a piggy”, I stepped away not taking out my eyes out from the veggies and with the spatula in my hand, trying to ignore the unconfortable fact of being hurasse at home, so he understood I was not sexually interested in him, I didn’t say anything more, didn’t want to uncomfort the situation, I didn't expect it, it was my private place… and was cold outside in a february Berlin evening.
Saturday comes, the day that my calendar notes “Happy Day!”. Just like my mom told me some months before “what is the worse it can happen if you leave him, if you realize this is the man for you, you go back and beg him till you get him back” So I rested well, I went for a run to Treptower Park and saw the amazing Soviet Statues, was sunny out in a February morning and I baked some hotcakes like I always do when I am happy, or want to be. We spoke on Monday that week over the telephone and said that we would call each other around 11, so we could cook Mexican food and drink mezcal the whole day. 11 am comes, I write to him over whatsapp,” hey, what’s up, at what time should we meet?”An hour passes... No answer... Two hours… no answer, ok, I think, I shall tell him and be honest about the situation “Hey I was harassed at home and not ok, just need some understatement here, time, notice, need peers…” another hr goes by, no answer, he calls: Hey sorry coming out of a club, where are you?” I answered with giggles, just like my mom taught me… keeping energy up “ come and pick me up…!”
He comes to my doorstep and rings noting he wants to come in with urgency. In a very aggressive tone, he says he wants to talk to my roommate, I go down and tell him to not do it so, he gets mad, he says these people need to be punched in the face otherwise they don 't understand. I told him, as always, to chill the fuck down, “let's go and eat”. In the supermarket at the counter he told me he was broke because he had rented a mansion and spent too much that month, I said don’t worry, the poor single filmmaker will pay for it. His humor and intelligent jokes melted me of love, we giggled some sarcastic truths about ourselves and our situations, this guy is the most attractive soul I’ve ever met, I thought, we just keep on dancing with ideas and words. He looked all over the place, I mean he had been partying all night, I knew this was going to be hard but still worth a try. On the way to his, he told me something about friends, that we are friends, I felt a punch in my stomach, he never said this before, but I agreed, thinking maybe he's just being silly..
We got to his living room at his mansion (quite an upgrade from the time we met he didn't even have a kitchen), and I told this drunk, high on drugs guy how much I wanted to be with him. I started begging him to get back with me. I told him how life was too short, we didn’t have any time to waste but to try it out again! I didn't want to live a lonely life. I wanted to share life with someone and I had chosen him, I was totally wrong with going to Mexico without him and I regreted my past decisions. He simply said, no, while he was sleeping and rolling his eyes. He then woke up and told me that our dynamics were horrible and that I was just remembering the good things, that we couldn’t do it and that he had made his decision. I couldn't believe he was saying that to the woman for whom he left everything for and went to the other side of the world to be with her for 2 years. After trying to wake him up to beg him more, he stood up and told me he needed to go to another party… funny move, when we were living together I used to try to get him out from home to meet more people and party a little.
Seeing that I had lost the battle and had no other option but to recognize the truth I asked him if i could stay to have a bath in his new huge bathroom, he told me yes, he told me to close the door, he went and said “Maybe we can be friends?”, I said “no”. I was left there, with our mexican cat, Mancha, turned on some candles I had in my bag, and felt the life I lost in this bad negotiation, life negotiation, love negotiation, a failed negotiation. I lived for some minutes while crying in the tub, the life that I took away from me, for egocentric passed destinos, the smart man I took away from me and let him treat me like a piece of shit, because of me not being sure of what I wanted, it was all on me.
While the warm water ran into my body all the thoughts came to me, Joan my girlfriend ”How can you leave this guy, he’s the most awesome person in this world” Santi” if you feel it just leave it” Ana “ if you’re not sure you want to be with him, then you’re wasting Marco’s time because he’s giving everything up for you”, Anto my aunt “He’s not here as your a boyfriend, he wants to be with your forever”, us in Cuba I grabbed his hand while laying down in the empty blue beach of the caribbean and I tell him ” this place is amazingly incredible, I'm so happy to share this with you” Marco responds “and the best part is that we’re going to have this forever” Nath “ the good thing is that you found a person who you truly love”.
In front of my mexican friends, whom the only important thing is to find the love of your life, while sharing what our boyfriends gave us for xmas I was like: “ He gave me this amazing bodysuit from my fav mexican designer”
On the film set day we didn’t get any models, I was the dominatrix at the Mouse Bunker, a beautiful location that was said to be turned down that same year, I decided to be hot, to look amazing and to be the main character that day. With tears on my cheeks I was determined to be that Lorea that could direct a film and play a role. I told to the Russian art director the severe personal situation I went through that last night, she told me “you need to get yourself another man as soon as possible” I thought -who is that, where the fuck I get another man? I met hundreds of people around the world, how can people think that is that easy…?-
The film day went by, hard but we managed. For the second shooting I was getting picked up by Dina and Max, two techno superstars, at the end of the day at the S Bahn station close to Dina’s apartment. I get off the train, and when I look down my bag was not there anymore, my leather fanny pad was gone, together with my phone and wallet. Two techno superstars couldn't find me and went for 40 min in rounds in the S-Ban Station while I was crying and thinking that life couldn’t get any f.. worse, Nano the director of photography of that music video grabbed my crying face and told me “ when life gets hard is when you have to push harder, is exactly when you don't give up”.
Next day comes, 3 actresses arrive at Dina's house at 8 am, Dina doesn’t accept people at home before 10 am. According to android finder, people outside Dina’s were complaining to a phone that was thrown in a trash can in the middle of a park in F Hain. Two actresses went back home after waiting for an hour outside with no notice. I was the only one to blame, the director, producer, whatever, it's ok, we film, we go, just with one model, that’s all we need, this is my drug, my therapy, my ego seeker, under the chaos under the pain, I'm still able to take it over.
We finish and Dina tells me “I don’t think you ever leave a man who you truly love”... Wow, is it true, is it that simple?! Is this statement supposed to ease my soul and know that something better will come?! Dressed in hipster clothes and funny sarcastic jokes?! That that wasn't true love but something else?! In my knees in the floor of my apartment I’m writing this questions down, with some tears in my eyes, physically and mentaly hurt by the lonely world I'm struggling with, trying to be the woman I always wanted to be, to be the woman he always wanted me to be “ you´re not anymore the independent and strong woman I met” he said in a discussion we once had, all the partners I´ve been with, they all say that at some point in the relationship. Is it only me, the only true partner I will have to be with?! Is love the one that actually doesn't exist, is truth a built up lie so I keep on believing in a system that is giving me no result at all.
I feel the sadness in my chest and then suddenly I wake up to the deep sorrow, I am there, I am alone, in a deep silence, the one and only: void. I turn off the candles I am surrounded with at my ex’s tub, I breathe, I get out of the tub, I let the water go down to drain down the collective subconscious, letting it be and flow with the rest of the underground waters systems of the city of Berlin. I see myself in the mirror
Me solté el pelo, me calló a los lados de mis hombros, caía largo, me peine, me quité los nudos, se me hizo una mata brillante ondulada con volumen y color castaño. Volteé a ver al espejo y vi a esa mujer linda, guapa, tan madura y joven a la vez. Era yo, estaba ahí presente viéndome como si fuera otra persona como si me estuviera conociendo otra vez.
I put on a nice elegant black dress I had in my bag, some tights on, I put some makeup on, I look beautiful, to my beauty standards, I take my beers, my wine, I come close to mancha, the mexican cat, tell him how beautiful our friendship was, how much he gave me, and say a forever goodbye, to my forever passed life, ready to start a journey with me, with my books, my wine and my walks.
